Talent ShowOffs

Is it just me or are kids getting more talented these days? You can’t sit on your remote anymore without it flipping over to one of those over-wrought talent shows. Then out strolls little Olivia or Jaxson ripping into “I Will Always Love Youuuuuuuu,” or “Let’s Get It On.” The frightening part is just how good they are. Much as it pains me to applaud for performers who have to be in bed by 8:00, I have to admit…it’s pretty impressive.

Which got me to thinking (something for which there is no participation medal, by the way): what’s causing this tsunami of kiddie singers & dancers? Is it all that antibiotic-laced cow meat they’ve been consuming since they were old enough to chew? Maybe it’s a steady diet of chicken fingers? Children do consume a frighteningly large amount of fried poultry. And then there’s all those extra nuts laying around; a surplus created by peanut-adverse juniors whose mothers treat them like porcelain allergy bombs threatening to detonate at any moment. I swear, you bring a 6 year-old and his mom into a unfamiliar kitchen and prepare for a quick round of Peanut Jeopardy. (Please state your life-altering response in the form of question.)

Well, if it’s not in the food, maybe it’s THE MEDIA? (Note media is written in caps for full dramatic effect.) I mean, when I was a kid, we were not expected to be able to sing on key, let alone produce a Ariana Grande version of “Happy Birthday” on cue. Of course, it’s clearly spirit-crushing for the parents of a talentless hack. Imagine going to all the trouble and expense of creating a child who is woefully devoid of any verifiable showbiz skills? Fortunately, there are schools which still accept those which society clearly cannot.

Could it just be that these kids have always existed but their parents kept them hidden in the shadows? You know, to protect them from the inevitable scorn of those less familiar in the ways of the entertainment industry? (“Haha…YOU have to go to The Children’s Professional School of Arts & Science But Mostly Arts! Losers.”)

I like to think that all kids are special in their own way. Nope…sorry. I can’t even type that with a straight face. Just as all dogs aren’t smart, all kids are not destined for stardom. But unlike dogs, babies can at least feed themselves by six months, right? Yeah…try getting a Lab to do that.

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