Justifiable Homicide


You hear it, every so often, on the nightly news: “It was ruled a case of justifiable homicide.” Wow. Just like that, life moves on. Well, one of them, anyway.

I’m not going to lie, there have been more than a few times I’ve considered the power of being both judge & jury; mentally terminating those who dare to piss me off. Interestingly, I live in one of those states that practically encourages its citizenry to off thy neighbor, especially if thy neighbor is an asshole.

But I digress. It’s just that I can’t help but notice how casually we stroll over to The Dark Side when given the chance. Yet no one ever suggests revoking James Bond’s license to kill. No one ever implores 007 to work on HIS people skills. But I make one innocent comment about exploding someone’s head with telekinetic powers and right away, people start quietly excusing themselves.

“Jeez, who sat on her birthday cake” you might ask? (First of all, I don’t advise you to ever sit on any dessert belonging to me for what should now be obvious reasons.) Frankly, if all it took was some careless pastry-plunking to set me off I wouldn’t be on the no-fly list. (I kid the TSA!)

I suppose the first time I contemplated thought-sending a soul to his ultimate demise was when Obi-Wan Kenobi instructed Luke Skywalker to “Use the Force.” It immediately struck me as an excellent means of coping with day-to-day stress and I’ve been trying to honor those words ever since. Who needs weapons when you can concentrate someone into oblivion?

It has occurred to me that, since a lot of elementary schools are no longer teaching cursive handwriting, there may be an opening for for this sort of instruction. What better way to channel the demonic forces within the average 6 year-old into something beneficial to their ultimate well-being? It’s anger management for the 21st century and totally eliminates the need for dodge ball.

To sum up: killing people is bad. In fact, killing almost any living thing is bad (except for snakes.) But the unmitigated pleasure found in faux-dispatching those among us whose soul purpose seems to revolve around making life miserable…priceless.

I think I’m done now.

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