Lately I’ve been lapsing into moments of quiet reflection. Not the kind that lead to various stages of transcendent euphoria nor the brief, blank-stare types that signal an impending seizure. No, no. What I’m talking about is those points in time when all rational thought dies; when all one can do is pause to make sure the chamber has at least one bullet in it.
But during all of those unscheduled brain vacations, I have managed to compose a new definition for the term, “work-related injury.” Here goes: a work-related injury is any bodily harm which is inflicted upon a repairman who manages to break one thing while in the process of fixing another, forgets to bring the right tool with him, or simply doesn’t arrive during the promised 7am-7pm “window.” At this point in time, I would be permitted to hurt him with extreme prejudice. This shall then and forever after be known as a “work-related injury.”
Of course, once my glazed-over expression faded, I would be forgiven by all, for no jury in the land would put me away for such an offense. “You mean you actually stabbed the Sears repairman in the head for failing to bring the parts he knew were needed for the job? Well, alright then.”
The offending workman would receive no “comp,” either. Any comp to be had goes directly to me. These are the rules, fellas. New sheriff in town and this one swings a big bat. (Big bats are available for next day delivery on Amazon Prime.)
Seriously, you really think you can waltz right in and replace twenty sprinkler heads (most of which are important only if I feel the need to water the wall behind my air conditioners), hand me a bill for $350 and I won’t bat an eye? My eye was clearing batting, albeit involuntarily.
And what about that carpentry job that was promised three-and-a-half months ago? A nail shortage you say? Excuse me but I’m going to need your hammer.
The good news is, most work-related injuries are avoidable. First and foremost, don’t piss me off. If you insist on pissing me off, there are no safety glasses or hardhats in the world that will save you. I will take you out so fast you won’t have time to leave a mud trail behind.
Now…how much do I owe you?